The first of my tests...

My initial set of tests have come. I did it! We had a great Bone Scan and a CT Scan. Yup! Both of them come back with nothing showing. I dread these tests but I will due them my whole life if I need to - especially when they come back clear!! 🎉

Run for the Cure!

I am so proud and so thankful! So many people contributed to my first Run for the Cure! I couldn't believe how many people were supporting me and my cause. I was completely overwhelmed with emotion on Sunday, October 4th, 2015. What a day. I will never forget. So many people were there. I am completely at a loss for words to explain the emotions and joy that I felt on that day. See for yourself...

Booking upcoming appointments...

Just when I was settling in and feeling like all my appointments were in the past, I get a phone call.  Yup! It was the hospital looking to book all of my November appointments. They called in August! That's the lat thing I wanted to think about!! I just finished radiation! I knew they were coming because I was being retested for everything but still.  It was almost cruel and inhumane. Needless to say, my appointments were booked - another CT scan, bone scan, breast MRI and mammogram. And then waiting for results all over again...

The radiation just keeps on going, even when it's done...

When I completed my radiation I thought my skin looked awfully red and it was really itchy. That was nothing.  A week after radiation had already been completed, my skin continued to burn and bubble and blister. It was disgusting. The skin was dying and the top layers had almost turned a blackish-brown colour. Chunks of skin were peeling off. I had steroid cream to use to help stop the burning and itching. I really don't know if it worked or not. Beyond the steroid cream, I was also using a cream recommended to me by my radiology oncologist called Glaxal. It's a fantastic cream. Very rich but not oily at all. It has no oil, no perfume, nothing at all but it works so well. About three weeks after my last radiation treatment, my skin was almost repaired to the point that it wasn't peeling and it didn't hurt much anymore. A month after my last radiation treatment, I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor. My skin had healed well to that point. I was now asked to use Vitamin E cream liberally, twice daily for the next three months on the treated area. I felt like the worst part of all my treatments was now over. My fingers are crossed (and will be) for the rest of my life...

My radiology oncologist is the best...

The same day the I went to have an MRI on my spine, I had an appointment with my radiology oncologist. He's really cool. I wasn't sure how to take him initially, and he was a little difficult to understand. Eventually, I had to start meeting with him on a regular basis because I underwent radiation. During one meeting I expressed to him that I was nervous about the cancer returning (I don't feel like this for the most part but the thought sometimes sneaks its way into my head). He was great at reassuring me. Although the stats that my oncologist gave me are true, he pointed out that those stats include everyone that is triple negative. There is no discrepancy for age, size of the cancer, grade of the cancer, etc. That already started to make me feel better. He also told me that my surgeon did a great job getting all the cancer and that my margins were really good. The fact that only four lymph nodes had cancer was a great thing. My radiology oncologist pointed out to me that that was only 20% of my lymph nodes with cancer.  'Kay, I like hearing this too. Then he started to talk about radiation being like an insurance policy. Chemo was done and it zapped any other cancer that may have been in my body. The surgery removed all the cancer that we knew I had. Radiation is there just to make sure. I loved what my doctor was saying to me. Well, on the day that I went into see him right after I had had my back MRI, I wasn't in the best shape. All I could think about was the 'what if'. Again, my doctor was so great about reassuring me. The whole glass is half full not half empty and he reminded e that when all the tests were done on me back in November, I had no cancer anywhere else. He also reminded me of what we had discussed the previous week. Hearing all this helped but he could definitely tell that I was still a bag of nerves. A couple of hours later, I got a phone call from him. He personally called the hospital that had done my MRI and got the results, and then called me. He told me to have a great weekend because the test proved negative for cancer. It only showed a pinched nerve. He knew I had anxieties about the test and called a different hospital to get the results right away just to put my mind at ease. What an amazing doctor! He's someone that just get it...

A small scare...

I recently went for an MRI on my lower back. I had been experiencing a lot of pain. I struggled to get out of bed due to the pain and just walking could be horrible at times. I couldn't bend over to reach for anything. My family doctor decided it was time for me to do an MRI after x-rays came back showing nothing. I thought I was going for a routine MRI. It was a big surprise once I got there. Everything started off as normal as any MRI can be. I went in, headphones on and lay as still as I could. The nurse came back to me once I thought the MRI was completed. Nope. She told me that she needed to inject some dye into me and take two more MRI pictures. I mentally slapped my head. Of course, my doctor was checking to see if I had cancer in my spine. When I was asking my oncologist for signs of knowing that the cancer may have come back. Her response...you might get back pain, headaches, the flu more often. Hold up. What? Back pain? As I was laying in the machine, I began to feel numb and very frightened. Everything was coming back to me like an avalanche of feelings and thoughts. My heart was pounding and my head felt like I had an ocean of waves crashing down between my ears. I felt hot (could have been the hot flashes but I don't think so) and clammy. When I got out of the MRI machine and was getting ready to leave, the nurse threw over her shoulder, "You can expect the results in a week or two." Say what? I have to wait for these results for a week or two. Was she nuts? That's just cruel...

Meeting with plastics...

I have had an opportunity to meet with my plastic surgeon. He will be the one to reconstruct both of my breasts post mastectomy. Since knowing of the fact that I would be having my breasts reconstructed, I've joked around saying that I was going to come out looking like Dolly Parton. In seriousness, I don't have that option even if I did want it (which I definitely did not). Because of my size and weight (small and slight), I have been told that the biggest I can go is a 'B'. That's okay with me. With all of my back issues, a B is probably for the best. Besides, I love my clothing and want to still be able to fit into it! Having implants instead of pulling tissue from other parts of my body is my best option as well, again due to my size and weight. What I wasn't aware of prior to meeting with my plastic surgeon was that I was going to have to have surgery on my back to remove one of my muscles and move it to my right breast to help reconstruct it. Reconstruction  means another surgery and another scar about eight inches in length running from the middle of my back down to the lower right side of my back. Swell. My body will compensate naturally for the muscle loss and will regain strength in my back. None of this will happen however until my breast area and skin heal from radiation...

Next appointment...gynecologist...

Now that the worst of my breast cancer experience is behind me, I do still have some mountains to climb. Yes, chemotherapy is completed and so is my first mastectomy and radiation. I still have a lot of healing to go through followed by another mastectomy, breast reconstruction on both sides and a hysterectomy (ovaries and fallopian tubes, however I am going to opt to have my uterus removed if allowed). I met with my gynecologist to discuss what the procedure would entail and what my options are. She reported to me that removing the ovaries and fallopian tubes is a day procedure (meaning again, I would be leaving the hospital the same day I check in - crazy) and it is a very simple procedure. A small incision (about a centimetre in length) would be made just above my belly button and two small incisions (half a centimetre) would be made about three to four inches below my belly button - one on my left side and one on my right side. My ovaries and tube would be removed through these incisions. I asked my gynecologist if having a full hysterectomy was an option that I could explore. She told me that there were two ways this could happen. If my uterus had 'dropped' (become weaker and looser), than I could do a vaginal hysterectomy (everything would be pulled out there) or if my uterus hasn't 'dropped', I would have about a five to six inch incision made along my bikini line and have everything removed that way. An exam would be done to determine which type of complete hysterectomy I can proceed with. Long story short, I will be having a complete vaginal hysterectomy early into 2016.

An interesting fact that my gynecologist told me is that by walking every day and remaining fairly fit, I can decrease my chance of cancer reoccurring by 60%. Needless to say, I will continue to walk daily for the rest of my life!

Definitely helps to keep cool this summer...

My hair is really growing back now. I would say that it is close to, if not an inch long now. I never wear my wig anymore and don't wear hats now unless I feel like it. It feel so soft and it is growing back a colour that is very close to my natural colour. I'm not sure yet if it will be straight or curly. Not one grey hair has appeared on my head (before or after chemo). I'm going for my second hair cut tomorrow - just a trim around the edges but it feels so awesome to walk into a salon again. It's a cool pixie look now. I've had a number of people tell me that it looks good on me, and that it suits me. Some have even encouraged me to keep my hair this way. I have to say that I would be tempted to do that except every time I look in a mirror, I still see a bald head at first glance. I realize I have a decent amount of hair back but I can still see that shape of my head. It is still a constant reminder of what I went through and how far I still have to go. I am really looking forward to having enough hair grown back to put it in a ponytail again. Funny thing, when I asked my son when he felt it would be okay for me to go without a wig or hat, he said to me, "Mommy, you know when you do this with your hair (using his fingers to sweep it back from my face)?' I wasn't sure where he was going with this but I replied that yes, I knew what he meant. He then said, "And then you put it in that 'pony' thing?" I immediately replied, "Yes, I know what you mean and no, I'm not waiting that long." I then explained to him that we were going to a function with all of my friends and he could see for himself that they weren't going to laugh at me, or think I'm a man (his biggest fear). When my son saw that everyone accepted me as I was and didn't make me (or him) feel uncomfortable, he's been cool with my short hair ever since. Even when we are around his friends or around people that we don't know, he's totally cool with my hair now. Speaking of, it's not so bad having short hair for the summer. It is so much cooler than I have ever known. Can't wait for it to grow back though! Can't wait...

Radiation completed...check...

Finally, the worst of the worst is over!!! My last radiation was yesterday. I made it through all twenty-five bouts of radiation. It wasn't too bad and my skin was handling it fairly well until appointment number twenty-three. From then until the end, it turned my skin painfully red. It is itchy, and peeling and my skin is swollen. I have a patch of skin that is about a three inch triangle right on my breast bone where the skin is the thinnest that is extremely painful and almost purple in colour. I am putting cream, cortizone and aloe on it like it's going out of style. Anything that rubs against the skin there, irritates it. That's okay though. I feel as though I am finished the worst part. The best is yet to come...

Almost done radiation...

Only five more to go! My chest is looking quite burned now and the skin is very bumpy and itchy. I can't wait for this to be completed. You can clearly see where they are radiating my skin.  A very clear diamond has formed on my chest that is red, particularly right in the middle of my chest where the skin is very thin and the bones are close to the surface. That part of my skin is almost purple. Nevertheless, it's almost finished and I can begin to heal my skin...

Moving along...

Ten of my twenty-five radiation treatments are in the books. So far, I haven't experienced any real side-effects.  My skin might be slightly darker but not by much. I haven't really felt any more tired than usual and my skin has not become dry or itchy. My latest appointment with my radiology oncologist went well and he is happy with the progress and the way my skin is reacting. When I met with him way back in December, he told me that radiation is a walk in the park in comparison to chemotherapy and a mastectomy. So far it has been and I hope it stays that way but I also realize how many treatments I still have to go through and how drastically things can change. Still, I am cautiously optimistic...

Getting further into radiation...

I have made it through seven treatments now and so far I haven't felt much in the way of extreme side-effects however, I have noticed that my skin has started to colour just a little bit. I have maintained my energy and have stayed as active as I was prior to radiation. I met with my radiology oncologist and he was happy that very thing was going smoothly. There really wasn't much to this appointment however he did say that at future appointments he will begin to monitor my skin and progress more closely. For the most part, the technicians and my doctor have said that I may begin to notice signs of fatigue after about my tenth treatment. They are very happy that I am trying to actively walk at last five kilometres a day as they have said that there are studies which have proven that exercise and remaining active help treating cancer patients. My plan is to listen to my body but stay as active as possible. I meet with my doctor again later this week...

Radiation...

I have now had five radiation treatments. It's really cool and super easy (at this point).  Each time I need to get changed from the waist up and put on a gown. I can keep my pants on and all my jewelry except for my necklaces. My first treatment, I went into the room and lay down on the board. Two technicians are in the room with me and they begin to set you up immediately. I have to slide my one arm out of the gown so they can fix the machine on me in the exact same spot between the tattoos each time. They get me into the exact position, to the millimetre, The technicians put a type of material over top of my breast that had the cancer that is supposed mimic skin. The technicians then leave the room.  The machine begins to move around me, from one side, over the top of me and then to the other side. The actual radiation takes no longer then three minutes.  That's it, I'm done. Five down, twenty more to go...

Tattoos, just not the ones I want...

Before I actually begin radiation, I have to go through imaging.  When I arrive, I once again hear about what I should expect while in radiation. The technicians go through what I should expect each time I come to radiation and make sure I understand the whole procedure. I get myself changed into a gown and get called into one of the radiation imaging rooms. The technicians are so nice (all three of them). They made me feel really relaxed and calm.  I have to get up on a table and the technicians begin the measuring. They nudge me this way and that. I need to be perfectly centred on the board. They have me lay my head and upper torso down on something the size and shape of a king-size pillow case. The pillow case is filled with what feels like the stuffing of a very deflated beanbag chair. A tiny bit of air is pumped into the pillow case and the technicians begin to mold it around my head and upper body. More air is inflated and more sculpting happens. The process continues until they have my arm up and open as much as they can so that no part of my body will interfere with the area that needs radiation. I need to be comfortable enough to lay in this position for twenty minutes or so without moving even a couple of millimetres. We had to try a few different ways and angles to get my arm and body comfortable enough to actually be able to stay in one position. I have been doing physiotherapy to gain full range of motion in my right arm and shoulder but have not quite reached that goal yet. Eventually we mutually agreed on a comfortable position for my arm and their satisfaction. That's when they filled the 'pillow case' with air and all of a sudden it hardened into my own body mold. So cool!! At that point the machine took me into a mini-tunnel and I had to stay perfectly still while images of my chest were taken from every possible angle. When I came out of the min-tunnel, one of the technicians called out a bunch of measurements to the exact millimetre to another technician. Each time I come for a radiation session, I will be placed back into my mold in the exact same spot. My 'pillow' mold will be stored in its own locker with my name on it. It was then that the third technician told me he needed to give me my tattoos. Four of them. Real tattoos that will be with me forever. They aren't the tattoos that I want (another bucket list item) but at least I will sort of know what to expect when I do get my 'real' tattoo. In reality, the tattoos they gave me were four little freckles. The radiation machine revolves around me, never touching me and stays within these freckles. They are in a diamond shape covering my breast and lymph node area, about 9" across and 6-7" high. Good to know, the tattoos didn't really hurt. They felt like little bites. I'm not sure if this was a great comparison to a real tattoo (not that these aren't), but I am getting ready for my fifth tattoo - one that people can see and understand. It will read, fighter.  Just like me. It will be my constant reminder that I am a fighter...

The next step...

I've met with my radiology oncologist and he's told me what to expect during radiation.  I am going to be going to radiation five days a week (Monday through Friday) for five straight weeks. Radiation is cumulative. I should expect to feel very fatigued. As well, my skin will start to feel more and more sunburned. It sort of works like this. Imagine being in the sun with no sunscreen for 30 minutes. Then another 30 minutes. And another.  Keep going like this through the day for 12.5 hours in the sun with no sunscreen. Imagine how burnt you would be. That's how this works. Each time I go for radiation I sort of get a little more 'UV rays'. Obviously they aren't UV rays but each day I add a little bit of the radiation to my skin. Eventually it hits a point where my skin is getting tanned, then dark, then a bit burnt, then really burnt. It can get very painful and the burns can become very bad. The reason I need to go for any radiation is to ensure that there are no cancer cells left near the breast bone or in any of the surrounding tissue in my lymph nodes and breast. If this is one more step in ensuring the cancer has been removed for my body then sign me up. Radiation begins this Friday...

Peach fuzz (and my wig) are sooo done! Bring on real hair...

Finally! My actual hair is growing in! I am so thrilled! My eyebrows are completely back in full force...hmmmm, that reminds me, I may need to do some plucking and trimming (it's been a while). My eyelashes have grown in as well, although they are only about half-way there - enough that I can put some mascara on again though! Oh, the small thrills in life! My hair, it's finally growing in on my head. I am so excited! I swear I can see that it has grown overnight. It is so soft, like baby hair. I don't know yet if it is going to come in curly or straight but I have a little clue to the colour. Right now it light in colour, kind of golden but I think it will eventually grown in light brown with some blond in it. The sides of my head are very light - I hope it stays that way. Having said all of this, I am just hoping it doesn't come in gray. I didn't have any gray hair before, I don't want it now! As soon as my hair is long enough to cover my scalp and not see it through my hair, it will be no more hats and wigs for me. I can't wait!

Do something on your bucket list...

I recently wrote about the importance of having a bucket list. Just as important as having a bucket list is actually doing things on your bucket list. One thing that I have wanted to do for a long time is take part in a cancer run/walk.  Well, this year is the year.  I am beginning to put together a team of people to walk (not run - unless you really want to) with me. I always thought that this would be the cause I would walk for being that cancer is in my family. This year it's time to put my money where my mouth is, so-to-speak, and do it! Now I just have to figure out a team name...

Let me explain...

After meeting with my oncologist and surgeon, I needed to take some time for myself. I did some reflecting and took time for myself. I knew that that couldn't go on forever though and that I needed to go back to being the fighter that I am. Dwelling on the future and what may or may not be, will not help me. I have so much of my own positive energy (and so much from so many other wonderful people) and like I said, I am a fighter. Boy, am I. I know that I have and will,  fight through many obstacles and this is only one more obstacle in my life's path. I told my son way back in the beginning that I will be sticking around to be with him and my family, and I will. I will survive, beat, and conquer this obstacle. I just needed a little time to get that fighting spirit back.  It's back baby, it's back...

On a positive note...

We met with my surgeon today to discuss my pathology report (yes, we had already spoken with my oncologist but we wanted to hear what my surgeon had to say). We were supposed to meet with her this Friday, but they called and asked if I could come in today. My nerves were already a little wacky but we took the appointment because it was better than waiting until Friday to hear from my surgeon. Although my surgeon was telling us some of the same things as my oncologist (pretty much all the same things), she had a way of discussing with us that wasn't quite a life and death as my oncologist and had us leaving the appointment feeling so much more positive.  Yes, the size of the tumor in the breast was the same and yes, four lymph nodes were still affected. The difference was that when the pathology report was first done, only two lymph nodes were discovered. The second two had microscopic cancer cells in them. All the lymph nodes that had cancer had the cancer limited directly to the lymph nodes. No signs of any spreading were shown. I wish my oncologist could have explained thing to me this way instead of in statistics that were very scary. Fine, I know that  the stats are there and that they are real stats that have meaning to them. It was so hard to feel positive about the report though. My surgeon made us feel so much better. She told us that she got every bit of cancer in my breast and that the margins were really good (the space between the tumor and the extra breast tissue that she took). She also took all the lymph nodes and was happy that they hadn't spread outside the lymph nodes. We were a little concerned that the cancer cells may have spread but she assured us that they would have been microscopic and killed by the chemotherapy treatments. We left this appointment feeling much more positive...

Make sure you have a bucket list...

Stick with it. If one hasn't been created, make one. Life could be too short. You never know. There are so many things to do in our beautiful world. You have to get out there and do some of it. Unfortunately, it often takes something like what I am going through to really put things into perspective. When my husband and I married, we swore we were going to go on a vacation at least once a year. We started off that way, but then we had a child, we got very busy and well, you know how the story goes. Unfortunately, it took being diagnosed with breast cancer to realize that we weren't really living as much as we should be. Since then, we have created a bucket list and are working to make as much of it happen as possible.  Vacations are just the beginning. Like I said, life is way too short...

Hoping for better news...

It has been longer than I would have liked for me to write this post. I needed a few days to digest everything I have now learned. Something to note, I'm still keeping my chin up! On Thursday May 21st, I went to see my medical oncologist for a follow-up appointment post-surgery. She had just received my pathology report in the previous hour. She came in to explain what the findings were. Let me start by saying, my husband and I really didn't know what the appointment was all about, why we were going to see her. We quickly found out and it was a little shocking. What my husband and I didn't really know was that the triple-negative breast cancer that I was diagnosed with, is one of if not the worst and most aggressive form of breast cancer. We found this out at our appointment. We knew my cancer was aggressive but didn't understand or realize how aggressive it was. The oncologist then proceeded to tell us that I have a 50% chance of the cancer coming back and that it usually happens within the first two to three years after treatment and surgery. Typically the cancer will metastasise in the the liver, lungs, brain, bones and/or spine. Whoa! That was a lot to take in. The surgeon took out the large tumor in the breast and twenty lymph nodes. Four of the lymph nodes tested positive for cancer. Because of this, my cancer is categorized as T2N2. If they would have found cancer in three or less lymph nodes, it would have been labelled as T2N1. Needless to say, this wasn't the news we were hoping for. On the bright side, only four of the twenty nodes were affected...

Back to the hospital...

Urg! Appointments at the hospital are beginning again. In the next week, I will be meeting with my oncologist, my radiology oncologist, and my surgeon. I am hoping that my surgeon will have my pathology reports back to confirm that the cancer cells were dead when she took the tumor out due to the chemotherapy and that I have good margins (I think this is the space between my tumor and healthy cells - again, I think that bigger is better but I will find out in a week). I know why I am going to see the radiology oncologist - I will be commencing radiation in the next couple weeks. I have no idea why I have an appointment with my oncologist. I assume it's just a follow-up post-chemo and post-surgery. So much to find out in the next week. Of course, all of these appointments are on different days...

On the mend...

All my drains are out and I am healing nicely. I have finely been able to bring myself to look closely at the incision site and where the drains were. Unfortunately, it looks like I will have two scars where the drains were as there are now pits in my skin. The incision site has a nice, straight cut that I still have steri-strips on, more for my own peace of mind. Most of the pain is gone now (yay!) except right in the middle of my chest where my minimal cleavage used to be, and the tricep area. There are some lingering sharp pins and needles in that area. Again, I am hopeful that with time, the pins and needles will subside. I still have a recovery road ahead of me as I can still only lift my arm to my shoulder height and cannot really reach forward, down, or up if I need to get anything. I am also not able to lift anything with any weight to them with my right arm. I am hopeful that my physiotherapy will start next week...

One more day...

Finally! Tomorrow is the day that the last drain will be pulled out! For a long time there appeared to be no end in sight and then finally yesterday, the last drain started to dry up.  I am feeling really great at this point. Most of the pain (aside from the drain discomfort is gone). That said, I still have a long way to go. I still need to work on my arms mobility. I can raise my arm to shoulder height (no higher) and can move it around a little more. I can't move it at odd angles (putting some clothing on is still very difficult) and I cannot lift much yet as it causes strain in many areas including my chest, underarm and my side. These areas are still experiencing a lot of discomfort. In fact, the tricep area of my arm is still very painful. Any time anything touches it, or when I breeze blows and I get goose bumps, it is very painful. It feels like little needles going into my skin. We are hoping this feeling will go away with time but there is no guarantee. The pain may lessen but always be there.  There is a chance that the pain will go away with time and my fingers are crossed for this option. Under my arm is still very numb and I am hoping that I get some feeling back there as well. We will cross one bridge at a time though. My last drain is coming out tomorrow!

Three down, one to go...

Over the last three days, I had a drain pulled out (wasn't too painful...actually wasn't painful at all), half of my staples one day and the other half the second day. Three things down, one more drain to go. This drain is driving me crazy. It's annoying, irritating and doesn't go with any of my fashion :-) To help maintain the drain, the tubing needs to be 'milked'. You have to hold the tube at the top end, closest to my body and the squeeze and pull at the same time to force the substance through the tube and into the drain. I'm still taking readings each day, multiple times a day, and recording each amount.  Not even close to 30mL yet.  The closest I got was 42mL/24 hours but now the last 24 hour reading was 69mL. My nurse that came this weekend told me that it is still draining because I got all of my lymph nodes out and that is part of the drainage system in our bodies. Because I have no drainage system there, the fluid needs to go somewhere until it settles on the path it will keep in my body. I don't if that is correct or not but it makes sense to me. I wish my body would start to figure things out because tomorrow is thirteen days after surgery. I'm getting tired of waiting...

Stapled together...

It has been ten days now since my mastectomy. That means it is time for my staples to come out! The doctor ordered for them to come out today so when my nurse comes over, out they come. What my nurse told me though is that they usually take half out today and the other half out the next day, particularly when it is a lengthy incision (eight inches and twenty-four staples). I have to admit, I'm a little nervous. I've never had a stitch or staple in my life and the thought makes me a little queasy. I have not looked at the incision therefore I also have not seen the staples. I don't like the idea of feeling each staple being taken out...and then feeling it again tomorrow. I'm going to have to suck it up because it going to happen...

One drain out, one to go...

After having the drains in for five days, the first one was pulled out today! Over the last 48 hours , I have had two consecutive days where one of my drains had measured below 30mL (in fact it was 25mL and 14mL). These drains are a big pain in the butt so I was over the moon thinking of having at least one drain removed. The second drain is getting closer but it's not there yet. The only hitch is that I have heard from a number of people how painful it can be to have them removed. Six inches of tubing has to be pulled out from inside me. With five days having gone by since my mastectomy, there is a chance that my body has had a chance of growing around the tube. I decided to take a painkiller (or two) 40 minutes prior to the removal. I was not leaving the pain to chance. No sirree Bob! As it turns out, I could feel it but there was no pain. I'm looking forward to the second drain coming out. Hopefully it will be sooner than later...

More home care...

My home care nurse came to visit me 24 hours after I left the hospital. She would continue to visit me over the next couple weeks every day. I received 24 staples over almost an eight inch incision spanning across what was my right breast, all the way under my right arm where my lymph nodes were. Each day the nurse would change the dressing over the staples, cleaning it as well. I also had two drains inserted into me. I can best describe them as something that looks like a hand grenade (it literally fills the full palm of my hand. About two feet of tubing is attached to this football-shaped ball and another six inches of tubing is inside me. The tubing inside me is flatter and has tiny holes all over it so fluids can get into the tube and travel down to the grenade-like object that gathers all the fluid.  Initially, it's mainly thicker blood but it slowly becomes thinner and lighter, pulling in some fatty tissue (I know - yuck!). The drains cannot completely fill and they need to be drained on a regular basis at the beginning. The first day, a crazy amount of fluid was drained - half a litre from one drain! The other drain was more of a typical amount - about 180mL. A drain will be taken out once it reaches a total of 30mL for two consecutive days. Now I wait...

Mastectomy completed...check...

Step two of this journey has been completed. I was at the hospital for eight in the morning. The whole process before the actual operation dragged on. I finally went into the operating room at just past ten in the morning - and they told me I was the priority that day. Yikes - when you are nervous, waiting around is not the best thing for you. Regardless, I had kept myself so busy right up until the night before surgery and then the morning of, that I really hadn't had too much time to even think about the mastectomy.  When the nurse came to get me and I said good-bye to my husband, I finally got a little nervous. The nurse was great. Actually, all the nurses in the O.R. were awesome.  They all told me that if they were getting a mastectomy, this was the surgeon they would want. Now normally I would think that they were just saying that to make me feel good but when you have heard that as often as I had to this point, I really believed that I was in great hands. The nurse that was mainly talking with me was so kind and compassionate. She kept rubbing my forehead or cheek - but not in an annoying way. It was very motherly - just who everyone wants at a time like that.  When I was laying on the table and just before they put the mask on me, I finally let a couple tears trickle down my cheeks. The nurse was so sweet. She would wipe the tears away for me with the corner of a very soft and warm blanket. Then I went to sleep. I woke up in some discomfort in a strange room where I continued to nod in and out. I was there for about two hours. They finally wheeled me to the recovery room where I continued to nod off. My husband and mother were able to come in and see me there though. All was right in the world. I was there for another couple hours and then I finally got to go home. Home sweet home. As I write this blog entry, I realize that it has been just over 24 hours since my surgery. I was very groggy when I got home yesterday and went to bed just after seven in the evening. My sweet husband emptied my drains for me. For those that don't know what that is,  I have two tubes running out of my body where I had my mastectomy. Attached to the end of these tubes are plastic/rubber bulbs that look like hand grenades. They are a good size in that they fill your whole hand. As they begin to fill up, they need to be emptied and the fluid needs to be measured.  My husband was doing this almost every three hours until about five in the morning. We were finally able to go about five hours before we needed to empty them and I am now at seven hours later and just about set to empty the drains again. I am feeling quite well today (my Mom and Dad even said that I was chipper). I have some pain and discomfort but I it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I am able to move my arm quite freely except for lifting it up. Don't get me wrong, I am moving it slowly but I already have good range. My rib cage is very tender but I am up and trying to move around. The more movement I can get, the better off I will be in recovering.  I should be in quite a bit of discomfort for three days and not bad by a week. By the end of two weeks I should feel pretty good and by the end of three weeks, I should be healed. In the end, I think chemo is worse than the mastectomy...

Pre-op completed...

Yuck! More darn blood work! And the nurse had to check my weight, again. In actuality, the pre-op appointment is nothing (once you get past the blood work and the weight measurement!). It's a double check on the information they have. The nurse had to double check the consent for surgery and for the consent to be put under. We went over any medications I may be on to see if they would interfere with the surgery (no worries there). The nurse reminded me no alcohol 24 hours before surgery (really? - I want a glass of wine the night before), no eating or drinking anything after midnight, no chewing gum for 24 hours before, nothing (even water) the day of surgery. I need to make sure I go to the hospital in loose, comfortable fitting clothing and my sweatshirt needs to be a zip-up as I won't be able to lift my arm. I need to be sure to have someone available at the hospital waiting so they can drive me home (duh!). I also have to leave all jewelry and personal possessions at home, except for my health card. Next up, mastectomy...

The date is set...

I met with my surgeon on Friday. The date for my mastectomy has been set for Wednesday, April 22nd, 2015.  10 days away.  Yikes! The surgery itself is about one and a half to two hours in length. From there I go to the recovery room for another two hours and then a final room where I will be for approximately another two hours. It is there that I will be picked up to go home. That's right! A mastectomy is day surgery! In and out! Who knew? Take a whole body part from me and I go in at 8:30am and leave that afternoon. I couldn't believe it. I also know that I will feel sore for about three days and be not too bad by the end of a week. After two weeks I will feel pretty good and after three weeks I should be fully recovered. Wow! I have a pre-op appointment in four days where they will go over all the do's and dont's and review the procedure and times with me one more time. With my mastectomy, the doctor is taking all of my lymph nodes on the right side. This probably scares me more than anything because I have a chance then of developing lymphedema as a result of removing all the lymph nodes. As it was explained to me lymph nodes help your blood flow through your body kind of like a filter system. When all the lymph nodes are removed from one area, that area may not work properly. Lymphedema happens when the blood flow is not working properly. I have a 25% chance of this occurring. If I do end up having lymphedema, my right arm - including my hands and fingers (it is the lymph nodes on the right side that are being removed) will swell regularly (oh no, I love all of my rings and bracelets), it is suggested that I avoid lifting anything more than fifteen pounds with my right arm, I will have to go for and learn to do my own physiotherapy on my right arm, and if I fly anywhere, I will have to wear a compression bandage on my arm (probably something I should do anyway even if I don't develop lymphedema). Something I have going for me is that I am younger and in fairly good shape. That will hopefully help my odds of NOT developing lymphedema. The date is set. Only time will tell...

Just like a Georgia peach...

I'm getting some peach fuzz back on my bald melon! I am so excited! I noticed it two days ago when I looked in the mirror. I saw one side of my head glisten slightly. I had a closer look and I mean a close look at my head. You can't see it from more than a foot away and you really have to look closely even when you are actually looking for it. The hair is so super fine and so golden that you really have to look closely and at the right angle if you are attempting to find it. I'm almost obsessed with it. I run my hand over my head just so I can feel the tiny fine hairs. It doesn't quite feel the same like if you were to run your hand over a head that has been shaved down. It's so much softer and so much finer. I look in the mirror to see where it is starting to grow (or where I can find it growing). I can now see it everywhere - the sides, top, and my hairline around my forehead. Don't get me wrong, it will be a long time before I go around in public without a hat of some sort or without my wig but it feels so awesome to have a little bit of hair growing back. I was told that I would actually start to notice real hair (not peach fuzz) growing back about a month after my last chemo treatment (March 24th, 2015). Speaking of hair, I still have most of my eyelashes and most, well maybe half as much of my eyebrows. They are definitely thinner but they are still there. I am really hoping the most of the rest of my eyelashes and eyebrows hang in there. I consider myself lucky to have any remaining as I was told I would more than likely lose them completely. If I do happen to lose my eyelashes or eyebrows, I should have them back within seven to eight weeks.  Here's to hoping they last and not much more falls out, and to my hair starting to grow back. I'm all smiles...

A well-deserved day all about me...

I am sooooo excited! I am going for a well-deserved spa day!  I am going for the works! We are talking manicure and pedicure (couldn't do those during chemo in case of nicks and infections), massage, facial and a lunch. I can't wait! I want to just lay there and have someone pamper me. I love this on a normal day but when chemotherapy did a number on my body. It is incredible to see how it has dried out my skin as much as it has. At one point my hands and feet were peeling. I am sooooo looking forward to someone massaging creams and oils into my hands and feet and for the parafin wax on my heels. My face felt so dry and I had to put face cream on at least a couple times a day. I am going for a hydro facial. It is supposed to be amazing and add a lot of moisture back into my face. I'm sure it will but to be honest, I can't wait to just have someone pamper me. I do have to remind the estetician to not rub or wash my eyes (the lashes) or eyebrows too much - I haven't yet lost either my eyebrows or my eyelashes! Knock on wood!!! There are still another ten days where they may fall out so no tugging! It just goes to show the lasting effects of what the chemo is doing in my body. I also can't wait for the massage. Oh the massage! My muscles and joints and bones have been so achy. I could probably lay on that bed all day and just have the massage. The spa is local and they do a wonderful lunch. I am looking forward to this day all about me more than you could possibly know or understand...

Round 8: Lisa 8 Chemo 0

I did it! I survived! Chemo is done and over with hopefully never to be seen again! It was tough, gruelling, exhausting yet necessary. My doctor's have given me just over four weeks to recover and make myself stronger before I have my mastectomy. I will take this opportunity to get myself outside and to feel human again. I have felt cooped up all winter. Every other week I had to stay home or close to home so I could rest and recover. The rest of the time I hardly wanted to leave our house because it was either so cold out or because I look sickly - like a cancer patient. My eyes are darker and my skin is pale. I can't wait to get some life in me again. The sun will help with the vitamin D. I have to be so careful now as melanoma is a secondary cancer to breast cancer (who knew?). I will do everything in my power to never have cancer again. Those who know me best, know I love my sun. Times are a changing! Time for more sunscreen and less suntanning. It just isn't worth it. I did it! I kicked chemo (and cancer's butt) eight times...

Dance in the shower...

The first shower I was able to take after my last chemo treatment and having my PICC line taken out was AMAZING! Something as simple as being able to shower without having to wrap my arm in plastic wrap brings me great joy! When my bones are aching the hot shower water eases some of the pain, or at least makes it feel bearable.  My first shower without that PICC line was wonderful. I definitely wasted more water than necessary just standing there enjoying the shower. It was so worth it! My water bill might go up this month as I get to enjoy the simplicity of a nice hot shower again...

Ringing that chemo bell...

CHEMOTHERAPY IS COMPLETED! I am elated! No more appointments, no more blood work, no more poison in my body. My PICC line was pulled out at the end of the chemo treatment and again, I am so happy! I could never quite get comfortable with the PICC line. The dressing for the PICC line was bulky and cumbersome and terribly inconvenient! It feels like a giant weight has been lifted from my chest (probably the giant tumor I had in my chest!). I am free to recover and be as healthy as I can moving forward after this weekend. When I feel crummy and in pain I like to have pizza and McDonald's (perhaps a cheeseburger happy meal - and for those that know me really well - extra pickles, extra onions).  These are two of my guilty food pleasures! I have two others but that's enough for now :-)  I am going to focus on recreating more positive energy and thoughts. I can't wait to not have a health care worker come to our house once a week to change the dressing on my and around my PICC line and to give me injections. I feel like I can go back to being as normal as I can. I was so excited when my chemo treatment finished and they pulled that chemo PICC line out (which you can't feel at all). It was time to ring the chemo bell! And ring that damn bell I did! I was so happy that my Mom, my Mother-in-law, and my amazing friend (and the fantastic photographer) could be there to wrap up my treatment. It meant the world to me. My dear husband would have been standing by my side but he was away at a work conference. When you ring the bell the nurses all clap and some of the chemo patients join in. It's pretty cool! I felt bad for any people that were sleeping or those poor people that were starting off their chemo journey or just having their treatment because I didn't care! I wanted to ring that bell (I kinda almost wanted to break that damn bell) and go out with a bang! And so I did...

    

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

One day and counting...

I met with my oncologist today. Everything is ready to go. I guess I should say I am ready to go! My last one, finally. I remember thinking about this day, long ago in December. Everyone said the time would pass quickly. This day would be here before I knew it. Wrong! I have to be honest, it has gone fairly slowly. The weeks that I have chemo drag on and on. I am basically housebound for four to five days. The weeks that I don't have chemo go a little quicker but by the time the weekend before chemo rolls around, I already start to think about it.  The quick weeks really don't balance out the weeks that move at a snails pace. Needless to say, by Saturday or Sunday, not only will I be one tough chick, I will be one happy chick as well...

Tomorrow, tomorrow...

I can't wait for tomorrow! I get to go for my last blood work. I have my last conversation with my oncologist. I just know that I am healthy and ready to go for my last round of chemo. Bring it on! I have been counting down these days since, well since December 16th, 2014, when I had my first chemo treatment. Two more days! The time has finally come...

One week to go...

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I am so close to the finish now! 7 more days and this first part of my journey is over.  I know, I know, I still have to recover from the last chemo but I do have some good news! I will be getting my PICC line removed immediately following my last chemo treatment! I am so happy! It feels so intrusive to me. I won't be able to get the area wet for 48 hours afterwards and will have to treat the area tenderly for a few more days but YAY! I am just as excited for the PICC line to be removed as I am for chemo to be completed! There's a little good luck on my side...

Round 7: Lisa 7 Chemo 0

It is March 15th and I'm almost finished. This round was very painful and I anticipate the next round to be more of the same, if not a little worse. This pain seemed to be a little more intense and it lasted a little longer but honestly, I feel great now. Some minor twinges of pain but they are nothing. I have nine days to go until my last treatment and I can't wait. I'd do it tomorrow if I could just so I could be done. I wish! If nothing else, I have truly discovered how strong a person I am - who knew!? I always thought of myself as a strong person, a tough person, but I even surprised myself. Don't get me wrong, there were times that I wanted to cry and walk away from the chemo altogether but all I had to do was think of my beautiful boy, my fantastic husband and my amazing family and I would laugh at myself. Like I could ever walk away and give all that up! Are you crazy? Chemo may have done a number on my body but it is me who is kicking its' ass...

Ten more days until my happy dance...

Ten more days! I can count it down on my fingers now. I can't wait! I say this as I still feel the effects of my last chemo treatment. I still feel the pain and aches in my bones and in my head. The pain is just barely tolerable without pain medication and I'm not sure it will stay this way all day. I hope to avoid any more medication but you never know. Every once in a while it is overwhelming and can bring me to my knees. I can feel the pain in more places than I did with the fifth treatment when it was more concentrated to my knees, hips, lower back and head. Today I can feel it in all those places but it is more intense and I can also feel the pain in my hands, fingers, wrists and ankles and jaw. Regardless, I am on the upswing now. I am starting to gain some of my energy back today. I am looking forward to feeling better each day. I am thankful that this upcoming week is a good week for me as my son is off of school for his March Break and I will be able to do things with him and go out into the world again. When I think of it that way, I've already started my happy dance...

And then there was one...

I had my second to last chemo treatment today. It was long but not bad. It probably helped knowing that I only had one more to go and that I was feeling good. The nurses gave me something to combat my anxiety and to help me with my reaction to the Benedryl prior to beginning treatment. I had a small/mild reaction to the Benedryl that lasted for maybe five minutes but nothing like the last two times. Then, off to sleep I went. I managed to sleep for just about the full four hours.  It was beautiful. The nurses only woke me up when they needed to take my blood pressure or heart rate. The four hours flew by. I didn't feel sick and I had no anxiety. This will definitely be the way we handle me LAST treatment! I was a bit out of it, feeling groggy when my mom and I left the hospital. Since then, I have recovered and have bounced back nicely. I feel good now, although tired. I'm sure I will wake up feeling decent tomorrow, until I get my injection later in the afternoon.  Three to five hours later all the aches and pains will begin for the next four to five days. That's okay. Keep my eye on the prize. Only one more chemotherapy treatment to go...

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have...

A picture says a thousand words...maybe more...

One of the most wonderful and talented people I know photographed me in one of my most vulnerable states - with absolutely no hair. That's right, completely bald. It was actually my husbands idea initially to take photos of both of us with shaved heads (we asked my son but he didn't want to shave his head - who can blame him!). I quickly agreed to this idea. I love having photos of everything and I am always taking pictures. In the end, I wanted to do this because although this has been one of, if not the most difficult time in my life, it has still been a precious moment in my life.  I am a person that likes to be able to remember every moment of my life, both good and bad.  Down the road, we always talk about these moment and reflect back on them. I wanted to be able to reflect back and take as much good from it as possible. Some good that has come from all of this is that I have been able to spend copious amounts of time with my family.  I am home when my son gets home from school. I spend more time with my husband in the evening instead of planning a lesson (or three) or marking. I am able to focus my time and energy not only on getting better, but also on my precious family. I no longer need to work late or bring work home.  It has also allowed me to remember and reconnect and appreciate my friendships - many I've had for years and some more recent ones. This photographer who is so gifted and artistic has agreed to photograph my journey through all of it's ups and downs - hopefully more ups than downs. The photographer had a brilliant and clever way of capturing me at the perfect moment in time filled with raw emotion. I can never thank her enough for doing this for me. Words will never express my most sincere thanks. Included here are only a tiny snippet of the photos we took one afternoon. It was my absolute pleasure to have worked with you...

 

    

My dear photographer has a small selection of the photos on her blog if you would like to see a grouping. She captures the perfect moment and photos in a ways people only dream of. She certainly did when she photographed me...

http://www.christinecousinsphotography.com
https://www.facebook.com/christinecousinsphotography

So much information...

Derek and I went to my pre-op appointment with the surgeon. Information overload!!! Let's start with the fact that my surgeon is really good at what she does. I've read a lot about her and it's all awesome (except for the fact that everyone says she lacks bedside manner). She uses a lot of 'doctor' terminology that can be difficult to understand at times so we kept asking her to explain what she would mean or to explain something more clearly. What we found out is that although I will ultimately be having both breasts removed, she will only be removing the one with cancer initially. With the chemotherapy working so well, it has basically eradicated the cancer from one of my lymph nodes (good news). The bad part of that is now she will need to take all of the lymph nodes because there is no way of determining which one had the cancer and if the cancer had spread to any other lymph nodes.  That scares me and worries me a little because there is the possibility of developing lymphedema. I will have to adjust things that I do in my life moving forward and will need to be hyper-aware of my body. I shouldn't do any heavy lifting with my right side and will have to do physiotherapy regularly to keep fluid moving properly through my body. I will need to learn how to massage my arm and recognize when my arm in swelling. It's something I will have to learn to cope and deal with. My potential surgery date is April 15th, but we will have to wait for confirmation from the surgeon's office. After surgery I will still need radiation which is why they will not do immediate breast reconstruction. Reconstruction will happen further down the road when radiation is completed. We will meet with our radiologist at the end of May to determine how much radiation I will need.  Initially we were told five to six week of radiation every day (not on weekends) but there is a chance we may need a little less.  We will have to wait until we meet with that doctor to know for sure. Regardless, only 15 days until my last treatment...

I want this darn thing out...

As excited as I am for my last chemo treatment (18 days!), I also can't wait to get this darn PICC line out of my arm. I don't sleep the same, I can't cuddle up with a blanket the same and it is so uncomfortable. Clothing doesn't fit the same and short sleeves and tank tops look ridiculous because you can see the obtrusive thing. Not only is there a tube/wire coming from my arm, it is wrapped with gauze. Then the nurses have a white and clear plaster (about four inches by three inches in size) over top of the tube/wire and my arm to help keep it in place and avoid unfortunate mishaps (my son or dog accidentally yanking on it). To top it all off, I have a white mesh cover or sock piece over top of everything that surrounds my arm. It makes any clothing with tighter sleeves very uncomfortable and tops that show any arm not an option.  I also need to have it changed and cleaned once a week so I have to be available every Wednesday so a home-care nurse can come in and change and clean it. My home-care nurse came to the house yesterday to change the dressing and clean the skin where the tube/wire comes out of my arm. I mentioned to her that I was just as excited for the chemo to end as I am for the PICC line to come out. Do you know what she said? She told me that they may not take it out in case they decide to to do more chemo treatments! What?!?!?! I am so happy I have an appointment with my surgeon and my oncologist tomorrow because I know what the first question out of my mouth will be! This darn thing better be coming out! And what is this idea that I might need more chemo? No one has ever mentioned this to me before. Am I just whining and complaining now? I don't think so. I want my PICC line out...

Round 6: Lisa 6 Chemo 0

I am so close to the end now. Soooooo close. I can feel it. I can almost touch it. I have made it through my sixth round of chemotherapy and I KNOW that I can make it through two more. They will be painful but I can do it. As with chemo when I felt sick, this chemo pain lasted just the little bit longer.  No matter, I feel good again after my latest round and I will fight through this upcoming round and win...

Counting my fingers and toes...

20 days until my last chemo treatment! I can't wait. I can actually count on my fingers and toes how many days until my last treatment! That feels so good! There is an end in sight. March 24th can't come soon enough. I know, it's my last treatment date. I'll still feel really crappy for another week or so beyond my last chemo treatment, but I am looking forward to this milestone. In reality, I will feel better in about 27 days - without most of the aches and pains. I go this Friday to meet with my surgeon to discuss the bilateral mastectomy plan and dates. The finish line for my chemotherapy milestone is in sight...
 

Waking up to another good day...

Until I get my injection later today.  That always sucks. After the injection, I usually get a little nauseous and the muscle aches kick in about 3-4 hours later. Later on today, perhaps tonight or tomorrow morning, I will also get the bone and joint pains. Having said that, I would rather deal with the pain then have the constant nausea. I can count the days down until I know the pain will go away. It should be gone more or less by Sunday night or Monday. The pain killers help too! Looking forward to a good day...

A reminder that I can conquer anything...

I had wanted a tattoo since I was 18 but never got one. I always wanted it to be meaningful but I never quite knew what I wanted that remain meaningful for life.  Now just might be the time. I have found a few images that I like but ones that I an certainly not committed to. Initially I thought I would only want one tattoo but I like the one under the breast (except I would probably have it read 'I am the toughest chick I know'), the one on the back of the neck (maybe a little smaller though and a bit higher up), and the one on the wrist (except written more like the one that says survivor on the shoulder). I like the idea of having 'fighter' on one wrist and the then 'survivor' once everything is said and done. I love the idea of always being reminded that I can (and will in this case) conquer anything...